As a wife, mother, and spiritual woman, I strive to mature and to grow weekly in my walk as a Christian as well as one who serves others in my home. I have noticed that when I tell myself and my God of my intentions for growth He always takes me at my word. The challenge comes QUICK. REAL QUICK.
I remember our Sunday school lesson for 9. 23.18 focused on the verse:
30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”[a]31 The second is this: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”[b] There is no commandment greater than these.'” Mark 12:30-31
I sat to the left of my teacher, and I thought: I can love my neighbor EASILY. I’ve got this. Yet, in contradiction to my goal, I instantly judged my husband in my mind. I actually considered that this lesson would be better suited for him other than myself. WHOA, has anyone noticed a problem here? I may have actually failed as a Christian and a wife in ONE swoop.
Certainly, my husband is in the wrong when he makes verbal judgments about folks in idle conversation. Certainly, my husband does not love ALL people ALL the time. Certainly, he needs to check himself because I am the only one attending Sunday School on 9.23.18. While contemplating my own mental assessment, I sit here shaking my head. How further could I be from the truth? The truth is that I am fallible. My intentions are not always PURE. I tend to be manipulative from time to time. Obviously, this week, I am the queen of holding grudges and throwing tantrums.
In all honesty, this is the second day I have not spoken a word to my husband. I look at him. I drive by him. I sleep beside him, yet I say…NOTHING. My purpose for the nothing scares me far worse than my lack of voice. Ultimately, I want to elicit a response from him. I want contrition. I want sincere groveling of some sort. Monday night ended in disaster, and I seek retribution. Poor pitiful me–the wounded bird–stands in chirpless retaliation. See how cute that parrot is as it plays dead; has that been me? Have I played dead while waiting for Chris to say something. ANYTHING.
In order for me to save face, he hasn’t spoken to me either. Therefore, I am completely justified in my behavior. My behavior is justifiable because I hurt emotionally. The anger seethes, and the bitterness breathes all on it’s own. Anger and Bitterness walk beside me; it’s almost as if I believe they are my new friends.
These friends suck out my soul: I am not at peace. My soul laments. Tears randomly come to my eyes. My inability to act appropriately and do the right thing has damaged my weekly goal to “love my neighbor as myself.” I cannot hold grudges against Chris while attempting to demonstrate love for my neighbor. Ironically, Chris is my closest neighbor. We become one many moons ago, and I have hurt myself with my actions as well as with my bitterness.
I do feel that an apology is necessary: my apology. I am only responsible for myself and my spiritual healing and growth. Therefore, I must take responsibility for my actions.
I want to make a new spiritual goal for the week: don’t be a hypocrite. How could I possibly love my neighbor if I hold grudges against my own husband. Folks, I am a work in progress as a wife and as a Christian. However, working through my thoughts and my challenges help me to categorize my feelings and to determine my growth. I should add the following verse to Mr. Charles’ Sunday School lesson on 9.23.18:
“How can you say, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while you yourself fail to see the beam in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Luke 6:42