Why do I do this to myself?
by Jennifer Greene-Sullivan
At 4 a.m., I was awakened by an unexpected burn in my nose, the telltale sign of a lingering virus that’s had a grip on our household since Liam got sick last Saturday. This week, everything came to a halt—our routine stopped for doctor’s appointments, breathing treatments, and endless symptoms. I haven’t worked or written much at all, and yesterday, that familiar needle of judgment began to pierce deeply.
Chris, my supportive husband, has been understanding about work. Liam’s absences from school are excused, and I did manage to write a little bit yesterday. But even so, I can’t shake this feeling of failure. It’s so consuming that here I am, up five hours before I need to lead praise and worship at church, battling the unshakable feeling that I am not enough.
Since childhood, I’ve been haunted by the lies and torment of perfectionism. Perfectionism is a prison I seemed to have built myself. In high school and junior college, any grade below 100 would send me into a panic, leaving me hysterical. If the scale moved up even a single pound, I became motionless, paralyzed by harsh self-criticism. While working on my doctorate, receiving a B during the first semester of writing my dissertation spiraled me into a deep well of shame and failure.
This morning, that same cycle reared its head again. After getting up at 4 a.m., I signed into my email and saw that my credit score had inexplicably dropped 71 points overnight. Panic set in, accompanied by waves of self-loathing. Why do these worldly numbers and systems have such a grip on me? I scoured Credit Karma, desperate to understand what had happened but found no answers. So here I am at 5:30 a.m., writing to remind myself of who I truly am.
I am the daughter of the Most High King. Although I don’t receive a hefty paycheck at the end of each month now that I’m no longer teaching, I am worthy. Even though my biggest accomplishment this week has been caring for my sick seven-year-old, I am worthy. Regardless of the lectures from my husband about not maintaining our home the way I usually do, I am still worthy. Although I haven’t written a single word for NaNoWriMo this week, I am worthy.
Why am I worthy? Because I am a blood-bought daughter of Jesus. The Father loved me so much that He gave me His only begotten Son. Even in the midst of these old patterns of thinking, of panic, and of judgment, I will praise Him. Perfectionism, fear of failure, and lack of self-worth will not win. I may not achieve every ideal that crosses my mind or sits in silent judgment over me, but I can abide in Jesus. I can trust my Father to gently prune away these lies and help me grow in His truth.
Scriptures to Hold On To:
- Psalm 139:14: “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”
- Romans 8:1: “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”
- John 15:4: “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.”
The Trap of Perfectionism: Recognizing the Lies of the Enemy
Perfectionism is a subtle yet powerful trap that many of us fall into without even realizing it. On the surface, striving for excellence can seem noble, even virtuous. But beneath this pursuit often lies a much deeper issue—a lie whispered by the enemy that says, “You’re only worthy when you are perfect.” This falsehood can bind us in cycles of anxiety, stress, and feelings of inadequacy.
The Source of Perfectionism
At its core, perfectionism is rooted in the desire to meet an impossible standard. The enemy is skilled at using this desire to twist our perception, making us believe that our value is tied to flawless performance, appearances, or accomplishments. The enemy’s aim is to distract us from the truth of who we are in Christ—loved and accepted, not for what we do, but for who we are as God’s children.
John 10:10 (KJV) reminds us: “The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” Perfectionism steals our peace, kills our joy, and can destroy our spiritual and emotional well-being. It keeps us focused on ourselves and our failures, instead of the grace and sufficiency of Christ.
Recognizing the Lies
- “You are not enough unless you are perfect.”
This lie can lead us to constantly measure ourselves by unrealistic standards. However, Romans 3:23 reminds us, “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” Perfection is not expected of us; God knows our limitations and meets us with grace. - “God is disappointed in you when you fail.”
The enemy thrives on guilt and shame, making us believe that God’s love is conditional. Yet, Psalm 103:12 (KJV) declares, “As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.” God’s forgiveness and love are unending and not dependent on our achievements. - “Your worth is determined by your success.”
When we tie our worth to our successes or failures, we miss the foundational truth of our identity. Ephesians 2:8-9 (KJV) states, “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” Our value is established by God’s grace, not our accomplishments.
Breaking Free from Perfectionism
- Acknowledge the Lies: The first step is to recognize when the enemy is speaking. When thoughts of inadequacy or perfectionism creep in, challenge them with Scripture and truth.
- Accept God’s Grace: Understand that His grace is sufficient, even in your weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9 (KJV) tells us, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” This means that God’s power shines through even when we fall short.
- Embrace Progress, Not Perfection: God calls us to grow and become more like Christ, but He never demands flawlessness. Growth involves mistakes and learning, and that’s where His grace is magnified.
Final Thoughts
Perfectionism has been a lifelong battle for me, a tool the enemy has used to bind me to my shortcomings, robbing me of joy and the freedom that Christ died to give me. From the early morning panic over grades in high school to the pressures of adult life, I’ve seen firsthand how the pursuit of perfection can become a prison. But through it all, I am learning that the key to freedom is not in trying harder or doing more; it’s in shifting my focus from striving for perfection to accepting God’s grace and living for His glory.
In moments like these, when I’m up at dawn wrestling with feelings of failure, I remind myself that God’s love is not dependent on what I achieve or don’t achieve. It is rooted in what He has already accomplished for me through Jesus. My worth is secure, not in my perfection, but in His perfect love. And so, I can rest, abide, and let Him prune away these old lies, growing in the peace that only comes from Him.
Remember, God’s love for you is not based on what you can achieve but on what He has already accomplished for you through Jesus.
Prayer
Lord, thank You for reminding me of my worth through Your eyes and not the standards of the world. Help me to break free from the chains of perfectionism and rest in Your grace. Guide me to abide in You and find peace in Your truth, knowing that my value is rooted in being Your beloved child. Amen.
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The Aging English Major 