Returning at 1:53 a.m.

by Jennifer Greene-Sullivan

I woke up at 1:53 a.m., not gently, but abruptly—as if something inside of me refused to rest.

The house was quiet. Liam was asleep. Chris was asleep. Everything around me was still, but my spirit was not. I knew immediately that this was not just restlessness. This was the Lord drawing me.

So I got up.

I filled the tub, turned on worship, and sat with the Lord. Earlier that day, I had been reading James 3, and the words had followed me into the night: “The tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things” (James 3:5, ESV).

And suddenly, I could feel it—the weight of my own words.

Not just the ones spoken that day, but the ones spoken carelessly in previous days–in previous years–in previous situations. Words I had excused. Words I had justified. Words that may have wounded others more than I realized.

There is something about the stillness of the night that removes distraction, and there, in that quiet, I could not ignore it anymore.

I began to pray—not polished, not pretty, but honest.

I repented.

Of a slanderous tongue.
Of a heart that had allowed bitterness to settle in unnoticed.
Of the subtle ways I had held back parts of myself from full surrender.

Then, came the question that stopped me:

Am I even trying?

It wasn’t accusatory. It was revealing.

Not harder in effort—but trying to walk in love.

Because scripture makes it plain:

“If I… have not love, I am nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:2, ESV).

All the words.
All the work.
All the striving.

Without love—it means nothing.

I sat there in the water, letting that truth settle deep.

And in the background, the lyrics played softly:

“There’s no waste at the altar… He can use anything.”

That line didn’t feel like a song anymore.

It felt like an invitation.

Bring it all.
Even this.
Especially this.

So I did.

I gave Him the parts of me I wish weren’t there. The pride. The sharpness. The blind spots. The places where my heart had drifted from His.

Psalm 51 became my prayer:

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10, ESV).

And somewhere in that surrender, something shifted.

Not instantly. Not dramatically.

But quietly.

Peace returned.

Not because I had everything figured out—but because I had returned.

Joel writes:

“Yet even now… return to me with all your heart” (Joel 2:12, ESV).

Even now.

Not after we fix it.
Not after we clean it up.
Now.

And as I sat there, I realized something else—I was not meant to stay in that place of repentance, but to move forward from it.

Paul writes, “Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal…” (Philippians 3:13–14, ESV).

That night was not about sitting in my failure. It was about releasing it. God had already received what I surrendered. Now, He was calling me to walk forward—lighter, freer, and more aware of what it truly means to love.

That night, I realized something I don’t want to forget: God does not wait for perfection—He welcomes return, and more than that—He prepares us there.

Before I ever sat down to write this week’s column…
before the story of Liam came to mind…
before the words about love ever reached the page—

God was already doing the work in me.

He was correcting.
He was softening.
He was restoring.

Because before I could write about love…

I had to return to it.

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Challenge for the Week

This week, take time to examine both your heart and your words.

Ask the Lord to gently reveal any areas where your speech or your attitude has not reflected His love. Do not rush past conviction—sit with Him in it. Then, just as quickly, bring it to Him in repentance.

Each day, choose one intentional way to walk in love through your words—whether that is offering encouragement, choosing silence over criticism, or extending grace where it may not feel natural.

And when the Lord reveals something in you that needs to change, don’t stay there.

Return. Release it. Move forward in Him.

Scripture Focus (ESV)

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” — Philippians 1:6

Closing Encouragement

Be encouraged—this week is not about striving for perfection. It is about trusting that God is still working in you, still shaping your heart, and still leading you forward in love.

“Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal… Let those of us who are mature think this way.” — Philippians 3:13–15 (ESV)

You are not finished, and He is not finished with you.

So don’t stay in what has already been surrendered.

Walk forward.

Grow forward.

Love forward.

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Prayer

Lord,

Thank You for meeting me in the quiet places—the moments when my heart is restless and my spirit cannot ignore Your call. Thank You for loving me enough to correct me, to draw me back, and to remind me that I can always return. Father, create in me a clean heart. Renew a right spirit within me. Search my words, my thoughts, and my intentions, and gently reveal anything in me that does not reflect Your love. Teach me to surrender fully—not just the parts that are easy, but the parts I would rather hide. Help me to lay it all at Your altar, trusting that nothing is wasted in Your hands. Guard my tongue, Lord. Let my words be shaped by love, guided by Your Spirit, and spoken with grace. Where I have failed, remind me that Your mercy is greater. Where I have wandered, lead me back. And as I move forward, help me not to dwell in what is behind, but to press on toward You. Teach me to walk in love—not in striving, but in surrender. Lord, let my life reflect You. Let me not be known for effort alone, but for loving well. And when I feel weak, when I feel broken, remind me that even torn wings can still fly when love leads the way.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

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